CHAPTER ONE

In the first place, Mr. Yollop knew nothing about firearms. And so, after he had overpowered the burglar and relieved him of a fully loaded thirty-eight, he was singularly unimpressed by the following tribute from the bewildered and somewhat exasperated captive:

"Say, ain't you got any more sense than to tackle a man with a gun, you chuckle-headed idiot?"(Only he did not say"chuckle-headed,"and he inserted several expletives between"say"and"ain't.")

The dazed intruder was hunched limply, in a sitting posture, over against the wall, one hand clamped tightly to his jaw, the other being elevated in obedience to a command that had to be thrice repeated before it found lodgment in his whirling brain. Mr. Yollop, who seemed to be satisfied with the holding up of but one hand, cupped his own hand at the back of one ear, and demanded querulously:

"What say!"

"Are you hard o'hearin'?"

"Hey?"

"We ll for the—say, are you deef?"

"Don't say deef. Say deaf,—as if it were spelled d-e-double f. Yes,—I am a little hard of hearing."

"Now, how the hell did you hear—I say, HOW DID YOU HEAR ME IN THE ROOM, if it's a fair question?"

"If you've got anything in your mouth, spit it out. I can't make out half what you say. Sounds like'ollo—ollo—ollo'!"

The thief opened his mouth and with his tongue instituted a visible search for the obstruction that appeared to annoy Mr. Yollop.

"They're all here except the one I had pulled last year,"he announced vastly relieved. A sharp spasm of pain in his jaw caused him to abruptly take advantage of a recent discovery; and while he was careful to couch his opinions in an undertone, he told Mr. Yollop what he thought of him in terms that would have put the hardiest pirate to blush. Something in Mr. Yollop's eye, however, and the fidgety way in which he was fingering the trigger of the pistol, moved him to interrupt a particularly satisfying paean of blasphemy by breaking off short in the very middle of it to wonder why in God's name he hadn't had sense enough to remember that all deaf people are lip-readers.

"Spit it out!"repeated Mr. Yollop, with energy."Don't talk with your mouth full. I can't understand a word you say."

This was reassuring but not convincing. The re was still the ominous glitter in the speaker's eye to be reckoned with. The man on the floor took the precaution to explain:"I hope you didn't hear what I was callin'myself."He spoke loudly and very distinctly.

"That's better,"said Mr. Yollop, his face brightening."I was'afraid my hearing had got worse without my knowing it. All you have to do is to enunciate distinctly and speak slowly like that,—as if you were isolating the words,—so to speak,—and I can make out everything you say. What were you calling yourself?"

"Oh, just a lot of names. I'd sooner not repeat'em if there's any women in the house."

"We ll, bless my soul, that's uncommonly thoughtful of you. My sister and her young daughter are here to spend the holidays with me. They sleep at the back of the apartment. Now, if you will just remain as you are,—I dare say you'd better put up the other hand, too, if you can spare it,—I will back up to the table here and get my listening apparatus. Now you won't have to shout so. I don't know much about revolvers, but I assume that all one has to do to make it go off is to press rather firmly on this little contrivance—"

"Yes! But DON'T!"

"Not so loud! Not so loud! I'm not as deaf as all that. And don't move! I give you fair warning. Watch me closely. If you see me shut my eyes, you will know I'm going to shoot. Remember that, will you? The instant you detect the slightest indication that my eyes are about to close,—dodge!"

"By thunder,—I—I wonder if you're as much of a blame fool as you seem to be,—or are you just playing horse with me,"muttered the victim, as he raised his other hand."I'd give ten years of my life to know,—"

"I won't be a second,"announced Mr. Yollop, backing gingerly toward the table. With his free hand he felt for and found the rather elaborate contraption that furnished him with the means to counteract his auricular deficiencies. The hand holding the revolver wobbled a bit; nevertheless, the little black hole at which the dazed robber stared as if fascinated was amazingly steadfast in its regard for the second or perhaps the third button of his coat."It's a rather complicated arrangement,"he went on to explain,"but very simple once you get it adjusted to the ear. It took me some time to get used to wearing this steel band over the top of my head. I never have tried to put it on with one hand before. Amazing how awkward one can be with his left hand, isn't it? Now, you see how it goes. This little receiver business clamps right down to the ear,—so. Then this disc hangs over my chest—and you talk right at it. For awhile I made a practice of concealing it under my vest, being somewhat sensitive about having strangers see that I am deaf, but one day my niece, a very bright child often, asked me why I did it. I told her it was because I didn't want people to know I was deaf. Have you ever felt so foolish that you wanted to kick yourself all over town? We ll, then you know how I felt when that blessed infant pointed to this thing on my ear and—What say?"

"I say, that's the way I've been feeling ever since I came to,"repeated the disgusted burglar.

"Of course, I realize that it's a physical, you might well say, a scientific impossibility, for one to kick himself all over town, but just the same, I believe you are as nearly in the mood to accomplish it as any man alive to-day."

"You bet I could,"snapped the thief, with great earnestness."When I think how I let a skinny, half-witted boob like you walk right into a clinch with me, and me holdin'a gun, and weighin'forty pounds more than you do, I—Can you hear what I'm saying?"

"Perfectly. It's a wonderful invention,"said Mr. Yollop, who had approached to within four or five feet of the speaker and was bending over to afford him every facility for planting his words squarely upon the disc."Speak in the same tone of voice that you would employ if I were about thirty feet away and perfectly sound of hearing. Just imagine, if you can, that I am out in the hall, with the door open, and you are carrying on a conversation with me at that—"

"I've said all I want to say,"growled the other sullenly.

"What is your name?"

"None of your damn business."

Mr. Yollop was silent for a moment. Then he inquired steadily:

"Have you any recollection of receiving a blow on the jaw, and subsequently lying on the flat of your back with my knees jouncing up and down on your stomach while your bump of amativeness was being roughly and somewhat regularly pounded against the wall in response to a certain nervous and uncontrollable movement of my hands which happened to be squeezing your windpipe so tightly that your tongue hung out and—"

"You bet I remember it!"ruefully.

"We ll, then,"said Mr. Yollop,"what is your name?"

"Jones."

"What?"

"I thought you said you could hear with that thing!"

"I heard you say Jones quite distinctly, but why can't you answer my question? It was civil enough, wasn't it?"

"We ll,"said the crook, still decidedly uncertain as to the expression in Mr. Yollop's eye,"if you insist on a civil answer, it's Smilk."

"Smith?"

"No, NOT Smith,"hastily and earnestly;"Smilk,—S-m-i-l-k."

"Smilk?"

"Smilk."

"Extraordinary name. I've never heard it before, have you?"

The rascal blinked."Sure. It was my father's name before me, and my—"

"Look me in the eye!"

"I am lookin'you in the eye. It's Smilk,—Cassius Smilk."

"Sounds convincing,"admitted Mr. Yollop."Nobody would take the name of Cassius in vain, I am sure. As a sensible, discriminating thief, you would not deliberately steal a name like Cassius, now would you?"

"We ll, you see, they call me Cash for short,"explained Smilk."That's something I can steal with a clear conscience."

"I perceive you are recovering your wits, Mr. Smilk. You appear to be a most ingenuous rogue. Have you ever tried writing the book for a musical comedy?"

"A—what?"

"A musical comedy. A forty-legged thing you see on Broadway."

Mr. Smilk pondered."No, sir,"he replied, allowing himself a prideful leer;"if I do say it as shouldn't, I'm an honest thief."

"Bless my soul,"cried Mr. Yollop delightedly;"you get brighter every minute. Perhaps you have at one time or another conducted a humorous column for a Metropolitan newspaper?"

"We ll, I've done my share towards fillin'up the'lost'column,"said Mr. Smilk modestly."Say, if we're going to keep up this talkfest much longer, I got to let my hands down. The blood's runnin'out of'em. What are you goin'to do with me? Keep me sittin'here till morning?"

"I'm glad you reminded me of it. I want to call the police."

"We ll, I'm not hindering you, am I?"

"In a way, yes. How can I call them and keep an eye on you at the same time?"

"I'll tell what I'll do,"said Cassius Smilk obligingly."I'll take a message'round to the police station for you."

"Ah! That gives me an idea. You shall telephone to the police for me. If my memory serves me well, Spring 3100 is the number. Or is it Spring 3100 that calls out the fire department? It would be very awkward to call out the fire department, wouldn't it? They'd probably come rushing around here and drown both of us before they found out wer'd made a mistake and really wanted the police."

"All you have to do is to say to Central:'I want a policeman.'"

"Right you are. That's what the telephone book says. Still I believe Spring 3100—"

"The simplest way to get the police,"broke in the burglar, not without hope,"is to fire five shots out of a window as rapidly as possible. They always come for that."

"I see what you are after. You want them to come here and arrest me for violating the Sullivan Law. Don't you know it's against the law in New York to have a revolver on your premises or person? And what's more, you would testify against me, confound you. Also probably have me up for assault and battery. No, Mr. Smilk, your suggestion is not a good one. We will stick to the telephone. Now, if you will be kind enough to fold your arms tightly across your breast,—that's the idea,—and arise slowly to your feet, I will instruct you—Yes, I know it is harder to get up without the aid of the hands than it was to go down, but I think you can manage it. Try again, if you please."Then, as Mr. Smilk sank sullenly back against the wall, apparently resolved not to budge:"I'm going to count three, Cassius. If you are not on your feet at the end of the count, I shall be obliged to do the telephoning myself."

"That suits me,"said Cassius grimly.

"Do you object to the smell of powder?"

"Huh?"

"I don't like it myself, but I should, of course, open the windows immediately and air the room out—"

"I'll get up,"said Cassius, and did so, clumsily but promptly."Say, I—I believe you WOULD shoot. You're just the kind of boob that would do a thing like that."

"I dare say I should miss you if I were to fire all five bullets,—but that's neither here nor there. You're on your feet, so—by the way, are you sure this thing is loaded?"

"It wouldn't make any difference if it wasn't. It would go off just the same. They always do when some darn fool idiot is pointin'them at people."

"Don't be crotchetty, Cassius,"reproached Mr. Yollop."Now, if you will just sidle around to the left you will come in due time to the telephone over there on that desk. I shall not be far behind you. Sit down. Now unfold your arms and lean both elbows on the desk. That's the idea. You might keep your right hand exposed,—sort of perpendicular from the elbow up. Take the receiver off the hook and—"

"Oh, I know how to use a telephone all right."

"Now, the main thing is to get Central,"said Mr. Yollop imperturbably."Sometimes it is very difficult to wake them after two o'clock A.M. Just jiggle it if she doesn't respond at once. Seems that jiggling wakes them when nothing else will."

Mr. Yollop, very tall and spare in his pajamas, stood behind the burly Mr. Smilk, the dangling disc almost touching the latter's hunched up shoulders.

"This is a devil of a note,"quoth Mr. Smilk, taking down the receiver."Makin'a guy telephone to the police to come and arrest him."

"I wish I had thought to close that window while you were hors de combat,"complained Mr. Yollop shivering."I'll probably catch my death of cold standing around here with almost nothing on. That wind comes straight from the North Pole. Doesn't she answer?"

"No."

"Jiggle it."

"I did jiggle it."

"What?"

"I said I jiggled it."

"We ll, jiggle it again."

"Rottenest telephone service in the world,"growled Mr. Smilk."When you think what we have to pay for telephones these days, you'd think—hello! Hell—lo!"

"Got her?"

"I thought I had for a second, but I guess it was somebody yawning."

"Awning?"

"Say, if you'll hold that thing around so's I can talk at it, you'll hear what I'm saying. How do you expect me to—hello! Central? Central! Hello! Where the hell have you been all—hello! We ll, can you beat it? I had her and she got away."

"No use trying to get her now,"said Mr. Yollop, resignedly."Hang up for a few minutes. It makes'em stubborn when you swear at'em. Like mules. I've just thought of something else you can do for me while we're waiting for her to make up her mind to forgive you. Come along over here and close this window you left open."

Mr. Smilk in closing the window, looked searchingly up and down the fire escape, peered intently into the street below, sighed profoundly and muttered something that Mr. Yollop did not hear.

"I've got a fur coat hanging in that closet over there, Cassius. We will get it out."

Carefully following Mr. Yollop's directions, the obliging rascal produced the coat and laid it upon the table in the center of the room.

"Turn your back,"commanded the owner of the coat,"and hold up your hands."Then, after he had slipped into the coat:"Now if I only had my slippers—but never mind. We won't bother about'em. They're in my bed room, and probably lost under the bed. They always are, even when I take'em off out in the middle of the room. Ah! Nothing like a fur coat, Cassius. Do you know what cockles are?"

"No, I don't."

"We ll, never mind. Now, let's try Central again. Please remember that no matter how distant she is, she still expects you to look upon her as a lady. No lady likes to be sworn at at two o'clock in the morning. Speak gently to her. Call her Madamoiselle. That always gets them. Makes'em think if they keep their ears open they'll hear something spicy."

"They general fall for dearie,"said Mr. Smilk, taking down the receiver.

"Be good enough to remember that you are calling from my apartment,"said Mr. Yollop severely."Jiggle it."

Mr. Smilk jiggled it."I guess she's still mad."

"Jiggle it slowly, tenderly, caressingly. Sort of seductively. Don't be so savage about it."

"Hello! Central? What number do I have to call to get Spring 3100?... I'm not trying to be fresh:... Yes, that's what I want... I know the book says to tell you'I want to call a policeman'but—... Yes, there's a burglar in my apartment and I want you to—What's that?... I don't want to go to bed.... Say, now YOU'RE gettin'fresh. You give me police—"